


Loss

by ForcedSimile



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, Other, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-11 23:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3337232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForcedSimile/pseuds/ForcedSimile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin was at a loss, as to what to say, what to do.  He just came across as hovering and annoying.  But he had to be there for her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Erwin gave himself the grim task of alerting the next of kin when squad leaders died. He often highlighted their sacrifice for humanity, the works. He tailored the speech slightly, but it was generally a stock set of words. He only deviated entirely when addressing two people. Mike's father and Hange. Hange who was Levi's next of kin. Hange who wouldn't look at him as he handed her the bloody jacket. Hange who wouldn't cry in front of him. He wished she would.

“I'm sorry,” he said. He was at a loss as to what else to say to her.

“I know you are,” was all she said. She held Levi's jacket against her chest, much like he saw her cradle his head in his last moments. And she wouldn't meet his eyes. She just slinked away. He didn't have it in him to remind her that she inherited all Levi's money and possessions, that it was her responsibility to clean out his room. She knew. Just like he knew Levi's death wedged them farther apart.

* * *

With surprising emotional distance and marked efficiency, Hange cleaned out Levi's quarters with only Moblit's help (she roundly refused to let Erwin even enter the room). She very coolly returned to work. It worried Erwin honestly. He took up his vigil over her, a post he'd long abandoned when Levi took his place. Levi had the freedom to act, to do more than just watch and listen. Erwin couldn't do a thing.

Now, their resources were depleted, their forces were more than decimated (especially with the loss of Levi and Mike) he had enough room in his reputation to spare a visit. He saw the light burning in her room. He raised is hand to knock but hesitated. He didn't know what he was doing, what he would say. He knocked anyway. There was the sound of stumbling and her footsteps hurried to the door. She threw open the door with a grin and her eyes wet with tears.

“Le...vi...” her voice died on her lips as she saw Erwin. Everything about her wilted and she dropped her gaze to his bolo tie, though every fiber in his body begged her to look in his eyes.

“How can I help you?” she asked. This was their relationship now. Commander and subordinate. He hated to admit he missed the warmth in her tone when they were at least friends. When Levi was there to give her more reasons to smile.

“I came to make sure you weren't over working yourself,” he said. She nodded.

“I guess I can take a break for humanity,” she said. Hange moved to close the door but he took a step forward.

“I'm here to make sure you actually go to sleep,” he said. She looked at him in bewilderment, as though she couldn't believe what she had heard. But the confusion was short lived, replaced by a harsher, more distant expression. But she was looking him in the eye and he didn't care if she was upset. She sighed and righted her chair that she knocked over in her excitement.

“Well, sit,” she said. He did. She sat on her bed. “Observe as I take of my boots and jacket.”

“What about your harness?” he said.

“One thing at a time,” she snapped. Erwin kept his mouth shut after that. He didn't want to stare as she removed her equipment, but he couldn't stop. She carefully hung up her harness, but threw her jacket and boots defiantly on the floor.

“Satisfied?” she asked.

“You're not sleeping,” he said. She rolled her eyes and crawled under the blankets.

“Happy now?”

“You're not going to be able to rest when you're upset like this.”

“I'll sleep like a baby when you leave,” she said.

Erwin could take a (not so subtle) hint.

“Good night, Hange,” he said. She didn't respond. He lingered outside her door as she doused her light. He stayed until he could no longer hear her sobs.

* * *

Erwin wouldn't stop trying. He arrived at Hange's room every night and all but ordered her to sleep. By the fifth night, Hange left the door slightly ajar. He knocked.

“I left the door open so you could just come in,” she said. He entered and shut the door behind him.

“It's still rude just to barge in,” he said. She slammed her pen on the desk and took off her glasses. Her harness was already off, as were her boots. She took off her jacket and saluted him as she got up from her chair.

“Ready to take my military-ordered nap” she said. There was an edge to her voice that kept her tone from being playful.

“You never wear anything comfortable to bed,” he said.

“So what?” she said as she crawled under her quilt. “What? You want to watch me change too?”

“No. But I'm concerned about you,” he said.

“You never were before.”

That was a lie. He agonized over the way she pushed her limits. But he couldn't let her see the cracks in his facade. He sat on her bed.

“Your quality of rest would be better if you were more comfortable,” he said.

“Get off my bed. Get out of my room. Don't come back here,” she said. It was an icy growl, a tone she'd never had taken if Levi were alive. Erwin wished Levi were still with them, then maybe she would talk to him like she used to. But he was gone and Hange was farther away from him than she had ever been.

He was given his walking orders. He paused at the door and looked over his shoulder. She glared at him (more like in his direction) and then covered her face with both her hands.

“Just go!” she cried.

He frowned and left as asked. When the door was shut, when her lamp was doused, he waited. Instead of the sobs, he heard her get up and march to the door.

“I said go! What, do you get off on the sound of my crying?” she said. He stared down at her, unsure of what to say. She pushed him. “Leave!”

He did not move. He couldn't.

“What is wrong with you? Leave me alone!” Hange shouted.

“I can't,” he said. He couldn't find the words to explain himself at the moment.

“Why? You suddenly grow a conscience after all your friends died?”

“I have one friend left.”

“Oh god, don't split hairs now. So go hover over Nile or something.”

“I wasn't talking about Nile.”

She grabbed her hair. “Don't! Erwin _don't_!” She beat his chest with her fists. “Just be like everyone else and drown your guilt in whiskey!”

He let her try to hurt him, even though it was obvious her heart was not in it. He wished she would try, but he knew she wouldn't. She wasn't even really trying to make him go away.

“Why do you want me to leave so much?” he asked.

“You can't...” she paused.

“I know I'm handicapped but—”

She slapped him. He hadn't expected that. He moved his hand to cover his cheek. It was indeed the very least of what he deserved. She was looking in his eyes again. It killed him that she only looked at him—really looked at him—when she was angry.

“That's not why and you know it,” she said through clenched teeth. “I don't exactly blame you for Levi's death, but that's not why I don't want you around me. You can't be there for me.”

“I'm right here,” he said.

“You never were before.”

“Maybe I was.”

She drew back as if to get a good look at him from head to toe. She leaned on her door jamb, her hands shaking. She covered her eyes again.

“I can't Erwin. You're not him.”

“I never will be.”

“You never said anything.”

“I had a mission.”

“Well just so you know, humanity is still dying at the mouths of titans and humans still live behind walls. You still have a mission.”

He lowered his head. “I know.”

“Humanity needs you more than ever.”

“I know.”

“So what's different now? Why are you here and not planning your next maneuver or resting so you can be the best you can be to lead your army?”

It was his turn to look away, to avoid her gaze.

“I have a house outside of town,” he said. “If I mark the location on a map, will you come tomorrow afternoon?”

She crossed her arms. “Maybe.”

“Right. I'll send you the information tomorrow morning,” he said. He reached for her hand and she drew back. He pursed his lips and nodded. “Good night, Hange.”

He started down the hall.

“Good night, Erwin,” she called. He looked back at her. She didn't smile, but the way she gently closed the door gave him hope.

* * *

He hadn't been in the house in a while, but the woman he payed to keep it tidy did a remarkable job. Erwin did something else he hadn't done in a while. Wear plain clothes. Adding to the list of things he was doing out of the ordinary: going to the local bakery, making tea on his own, and awaiting the company of someone he cared about. He was so certain she wouldn't come. He heard the hoofbeats on the drive and peeked out the window. There she was, in her uniform. It almost saddened him that she wouldn't believe it was not official business.

He opened the door as she got off her horse. He smiled, not as broadly as he wanted to, but he smiled still. He had wanted her here for longer than he wanted to admit. She looked at the house with slight suspicion.

“Do you like it?” he asked.

“It's very...cozy looking. Not exactly what I pictured your house would be like,” she said.

“Well, it's nothing like my primary residence. I bought this place to remind myself of the life I want people to be able to choose. Peaceful, with open spaces.”

“You're almost never here, though,” she said.

“Let me show you to the stable, so your horse can rest,” he said. He didn't want to dwell on the very true fact that he couldn't truly enjoy this place without guilt. But he was eager to show her the house. They entered through the back door, past the garden. She kept her distance, but her eyes lingered on the plants, even after they entered the kitchen. She was a little amazed at the table he'd managed to put together. She was silent as he talked. But she was looking at him, and not with anger. More like confusion. She mirrored Levi's expression nearly perfectly, a crease forming neatly between her brows, a deep frown, but her eyes were much too large and expressive to be indifferent. He showed her around the house, and she examined everything with a cutting eye, but no words. He was a bit nervous by the time the tour was over and they were standing by the front door.

“So, do you like the house?” he asked.

“I don't see why it matters,” she said. “It's nice enough.”

“It matters because of this,” he said. He led her to his study and pulled out a folder from his desk and handed it to her.

“I have a few copies as does my attorney. But read it.”

She opened it.

“'I Erwin Smith being of sound mind...' This is your will!”

“Read it.”

“Is this some sort of sick joke to you?”

“Read it.”

She frowned deeper but turned back to the page. “'...Being of sound mind do hereby leave all my earthly possessions to one...Hange Zoë. The following will be careful instructions for...them...for them...upon my...”

She closed the folder and held it against her chest. “You used my pronouns. No one ever uses my pronouns.”

“Levi used 'they' and 'them' in his will, as well.”

“Yes but...Erwin...I didn't know you knew.” She pressed the heel of her hand against her forehead. “You were going to wait until you _died_ to let me know you cared about me?” He couldn't say anything else. “Was that your plan all along?”

“No. I don't know what I was planning,” he said. “I just...wanted...”

“Wanted what?” He couldn't answer. She stepped into his personal space. “What did you want?”

“I want you to be happy,” he said.

Hange's deep scowl melted a bit. She looked down, still holding the folder against her chest.

“If you die, I won't be happy,” she said. Her shoulders began to shake. She rested her forehead against his chest. As soon as he felt the tears soaking through his shirt, all the cracks in his stony facade became a little deeper. He put his arm around her and let her cry. Crying was a bit too soft for whatever she was doing, she was bawling. She dropped the folder at some point, all her limbs became weak and they ended up sitting on the floor as she held onto him for dear life. All her loss was acute and painful and he wanted to bear it all.

Erwin understood her hesitation. Levi was scarcely cold in the grave. He was her commander. Titans still roamed the earth.

Maybe this new understanding of each other would lead to some hope to press for the future.

One that involved many quiet evenings in a small house with a garden.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This whole business was terrifying to him. On the one hand, Hange was opening up. He saw shadows of warmth when they spoke, the way she'd smile faintly, the way she leaned on her hand and listened when he spoke. Even the small things she did were way more than he deserved. And there was the problem.

Erwin still knocked before entering even though Hange left the door open. The only difference was in her. She wasn't as quick to turn him out. He would still be asked to leave, but he could linger a bit longer. Hange would often wait for him at her desk. She did take off her boots, harness, and her jacket. But she would sleep in her shirt and pants and not change into anything else. She'd talk to him as long as she could stand and he would wait outside her door for a little while, straining to hear if her breaths would become even.

This whole business was terrifying to him. On the one hand, Hange was opening up. He saw shadows of warmth when they spoke, the way she'd smile faintly, the way she leaned on her hand and listened when he spoke. Even the small things she did were way more than he deserved. And there was the problem. In some ways he was very responsible for Levi's death. He wasn't sure if he had a right to be comforting his grieving lover. But who else would? Mike and Nanaba were dead. Moblit was a good shoulder to cry on (and Erwin knew Moblit was far more privy to Hange's feelings of grief than he was). But she had allowed him to help and he wanted to.

But this was still foreign territory. He was so used to bottling up his feelings for her that he didn't know what to do. It was good then, that showing the true depths of his feelings was in bad taste at the time. It gave him time to figure things out.

He arrived at her room one night to find the door closed. He felt the silence in the hall become close and deafening. Finally, after a bit of progress, she woke up to the truth: that he wasn't worthy of her and shut him out. He was afraid to even knock. In the end, he didn't have to, Hange opened the door. She looked up at him in almost helpless bewilderment before adjusting her glasses.

“E-Erwin...I...please come in,” she said. He was speechless at the sight of her. She was wearing a night shirt, it came to her knees, but that wasn't really what he noticed. Her graceful neck and soft collar bones caught his eye. She climbed into her bed and he pulled her chair over. She did not sit up in bed, she reclined on her pillows.

“All right. See? I'm wearing proper pajamas,” she said.

“I see,” he said. “I'm glad.”

He was one breath away from telling her she was radiant. She'd even let her hair down. It was never as greasy as it was before Levi died. In fact, she was much cleaner since Levi passed. He had an idea why, the scent of Levi's preferred soap lingered on her skin.

No matter how hard he tried, he knew Levi's mark had been made on her heart and mind and stayed long after his physical love marks healed and faded. He was there. Erwin would not touch her out of respect for _her_ boundaries first of all, and out of respect for the memory of Levi. Erwin did not often admit defeat, but in this case, he was roundly defeated. Hange won over his heart and devotion (however silently they were offered) but Levi was able to openly offer his affections and got hers in return. It seemed like he took her heart with him to the grave along with all her softer feelings.

“You're awfully quiet tonight,” Hange said.

“Really?” he said. She nodded.

“Usually you have all sorts of things to talk about, but you've never just sat there. Does the night shirt throw you off that much?”

He shook his head. “No. I really am happy to see you comfortable, though.”

She grimaced. “Sorry. I guess I'm used to you talking around your problems, I get nervous when you're silent. Like you're battling your demons right in front of me and not allowing me to help.”

“I'm fine,” he said. Hange turned away and rested her hands on her stomach. She let out a deep sigh before she turned to him.

“I'm sorry. I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I forgot you lost friends too. That you are human and feel sad like everyone else. I was so worried about you not being there for me, but I haven't been there for you,” she said. She held out her hand to him. “I'm sorry, Erwin,” she whispered.

She looked away as he hesitantly slipped his hand into hers. Aside from crying in his arms two weeks ago, this was the only contact they'd shared in a while (in over six months, he could be more exact if pressed. They touched so rarely that he was able to keep track). She stared at the ceiling as she began to cry. He did not have another hand to wipe her tears away. He wanted to hold her again, bit he wasn't sure if it was the best time for it. Instead, he squeezed her hand tighter.

“I'm fine,” he said.

She chewed her lips and swallowed hard.

“I want you to go out for a drink with someone. Maybe Pixis? Maybe Nile? Both, I don't care. Just talk to them one on one. I know you're cut from the hardest marble but please do it. You need more than just broken old me,” she said. “I need you to leave my room now. Don't come back until you talk to someone else. Okay?”

“Sounds fair,” he said. He wanted to kiss her knuckles, to hold her hand against his forehead in solemn reverence acknowledging her as the god of his world. But he did neither of these things. Instead he squeezed her hand.

“Good night, Hange,” he said.

“Good night, Erwin,” she said. He left the room and closed the door. Her light went out and he waited. She cried tonight. He leaned against the wall and rested his head against it. He didn't want her to cry over him. Not when she had no one else to talk to. Someone other than Moblit, the poor boy was awfully young. Who else could she talk to? All the women she was close to were gone, as were most of the men. Her team was mostly wiped out.

If she could make him find another confidant for his mental health, he could do the same for her.

* * *

The last time Erwin and Nile had a drink was the last time Marie was in labor. He just needed to be out of the way. Erwin couldn't fathom not being there if his wife were pregnant, he wanted to at least be in the house. But that was not the point. Nile arrived at Erwin's office. Erwin didn't know what to say past “hello.” Thankfully Hange put the idea of drinking in his head. He immediately set the glasses on the desk.

“I take it this is a social call, since you don't drink on the job,” Nile said. Erwin snorted as he poured the wine.

“It is,” he said. Nile sipped at his glass.

“So what? Are you dying?” he asked.

It certainly felt like it at times. “No, I'm not,” Erwin said.

“Well, I know you too well. Every action fits into the grand scheme for humanity. What am I doing for you?”

Erwin's fingers traced his untouched wine glass. Up until Levi's death, when everything went to hell, everything _was_ for the good of humanity. But the time he spent agonizing over Hange was not. That was solely for him, it was selfish. This action was at her bidding. He couldn't call it entirely selfish, since it was for _her_ benefit. He was only doing this because if it brought her peace of mind to know he was talking to someone else about his problems, he was going to be at peace with himself. He looked up at Nile, who was almost finished with his wine.

“Fess up. What's your plan?” Nile asked.

Erwin sighed and sipped his wine. “How's Marie and the children?”

Nile froze. His eyes narrowed dangerously. “No. Hell no. They are not getting roped into your chess game of death!”

Erwin merely refilled Nile's glass. “I was just asking how they were.”

“You never 'just ask' anything. Tell me what your game is so I can just say no,” Nile said. Erwin frowned deeply. The next few words had to be chosen with care. Though he trusted Nile, this was something—someone—he wanted to protect.

“It's about Hange,” he said. Nile sighed and nodded.

“I see. She still insisting we call her 'they?'” Nile said.

“No,” Erwin said. _Because she stopped trying_ , he thought. “But she's grieving over Levi. I'm concerned. She won't talk to me about it. I was hoping...”

“Maybe Marie would talk to her,” Nile said.

“She just needs to be with someone her age. And someone who's not in the Survey Corps. They seemed to get along when we were younger.”

“Marie's had her over now and then. I'll ask her,” Nile said. They were silent as they sipped their wine.

“So how does this fit?” Nile said.

“Erwin furrowed his brow. “I beg your pardon?”

“How does Hange fit in for your plan for humanity? I know you value her research, but...usually when she's down you just tell her to throw herself into her work. Why are you doing this now?” Nile asked.

Erwin frowned. “Honestly, I don't know,” he said. A lie. He knew why. Nile finished his glass.

“I see. Well, how about this: you come over my house for whiskey and we'll talk then,” Nile said. Erwin clenched his jaw. Nile was not fooled.

“Fine,” he said. He supposed if he wanted Hange to reach out to others for emotional support, he had to set the example.

“One more glass for the road and I'll see you in two days?” Nile said.

“Fair enough,” Erwin said. They clinked their glasses and drank in companionable silence.

* * *

The door to Hange's room was open. Before he could knock, she rushed over and opened the door. She was already in her night shirt. She moved the chair at her desk next to her bed. She wordlessly crawled under her blankets and leaned back on her pillows.

“So who did you talk to?” she asked.

“Nile,” he said.

She hummed in acknowledgment. “I was invited to tea at Marie's house. Just the two of us, 'come as you are' is what she told me.”

“Did you go?” he said.

“Yes. I had fun. I'm going again,” sh said.

Erwin smiled. “I'm happy for you.”

She glanced at him. “Oh, god. You're really smiling. What's up with you?”

“You need someone else to talk to,” he said. “I'm not good at being there for people as you know.”

She snorted. “I know.” She was quiet. She hesitantly put her hand on his knee. “Thank you.”

He grabbed her hand and held it tightly. He couldn't say anything. He didn't know why he was so emotional over a simple touch. He wanted to close his other hand over hers, but it wasn't there. He had to go, but she held him like he was her last tie to this life. So he fought to conceal his clenched jaw, watery eyes, and ignore the tightness in his chest. He stroked her knuckles with his thumb. She sat up and put her hand over his, as if she knew he needed more contact with her.

“You can go,” she said. She released him with shaking hands. “Good night, Erwin.”

“Good night, Hange,” he said without looking her in the eyes. His ritual: close the door, wait for the room to become dark, listen to her cry. This time she was not alone in her tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably going to be a few chapters long. We got lots of stunted emotions to go through.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I hate this hair, I hate this make up. I hate how I look,” she said. “But I asked Marie if I could do this so I wouldn't embarrass her and Nile at their dinner party. I look like a proper lady.”

It was a sight to be seen, he was sure. He was in the mess hall of the barracks rummaging though the cabinets for food. He saw one boy, Jean, he remembered, nearly choke on the piece of apple he was trying to eat. He didn't know how he was going to make this stew for Hange, but he was going to try. It was when he grabbed the potatoes that he met Sasha. While the other children cowered in his presence, she swallowed and offered to help him carry his ingredients. He heard about what Sasha was capable of. She had faced down a titan on her own, she had no reason to be afraid of him. When he had all he needed, she wordlessly began to cut vegetables at his side. They didn't say much, and he didn't really want to talk. Once the ingredients were cut up and simmering in broth she smiled.

“Looks good, Commander,” she said. He was able to spare a smile for her.

“Thank you,” he said. “There's a lot here, I won't eat it all. When it's finished, you should get some friends and eat this for dinner.”

“Thank you, Sir!” She grinned, saluted him and left. He needed to be alone for a while in order to muster up the courage to face Hange. He didn't need to stand over the pot, but he did just to distract himself from the very real thoughts and feelings that stirred inside of him just thinking about being in her presence. Before the kids came for food, he made a bowl for himself and for Hange. He hoped she wouldn't mind if they ate together. He made a tray and wondered how he was going to get it upstairs. Eren entered and froze.

“Commander...ah...Sasha said that there was food,” he said.

“There is,” he said.

“Do you need help with that?” he asked.

“Yes. I guess I didn't think this through,” he said.

“I'll help,” Eren said.

“Thank you,” Erwin said. They walked together to Hange's room and he knocked. Hange came to the door and she seemed surprised to see Eren and Erwin together.

“I didn't expect to see you,” she said and adjusted her glasses.

“We bought you food,” Erwin said. She opened her door a little wider and Eren entered.

“Put the tray on my desk,” she said. “Are you staying Eren?”

“No, I'm going to eat with my friends. I'll see you later, Squad Leader Hange. Commander Erwin,” he said. He saluted them (well, Erwin in particular) before hurrying back down the hall. She sat down on her bed and Erwin sat on her chair.

“What are you worried that I'm not eating?” she asked.

He was. She was losing weight and he wanted her to keep her strength up. So he was going to make sure she ate more regularly. If he could try and establish dinner together for a few nights a week, he could alleviate his worry. She took a few bites.

“This is pretty good. Did you make it yourself?” she asked.

“I had a little help,” he said.

“Still, it's very good.”

He had to admit, it was. They enjoyed their dinner together.

“Hey, were you invited to Marie's dinner party?” she asked.

He nodded. “I assume you are too.”

“Yeah. I wasn't too excited about it, but the kids begged me to come so I said yes. I don't think they realize that I won't be playing with them the whole time,” she said.

Erwin didn't know what to think about it. He knew Hange wasn't used to mingling with the elite families of Sina. At the same time, she was witty and could diffuse situations easily. She'd be fine, but he decided to keep watch over her at the party.

“I usually change about this time in the evening. You'll have to leave,” she said.

“Oh, yes. I'll take the tray,” he said. She furrowed her brow.

“How are you going to do that?” she asked.

“There's nothing to spill now, I'll balance it,” he said. She stared at him a moment before shrugging.

“If you say so,” she said. She helped him put the dishes on and find the right balance. It wasn't much to drop off the dishes in the mess hall kitchen, and it was even less effort to walk back to Hange's room. The door was open and he knocked just to be sure.

“Just come in,” she said. He entered and she was already in bed, his chair was ready for him. He eased into the seat and she sank deeper under the covers. She always lay on her back and only glanced at him now and then when they spoke like this. But she talked a bit about her research and what she'd learned since they studied Eren. He appreciated her enthusiasm. In fact, they'd all be without hope if she wasn't as passionate about her research. But this wasn't what he wanted to talk about. He wanted to talk about her. But he didn't know how to press her, not without causing Hange to get defensive and avoid his questions.

“You feeling okay? You've got that tortured look on your face again,” she said.

“I'm fine,” he said. She turned and squinted at him.

“You're a bad liar. And I'm going to be an even worse friend and keep talking and ignore your problem, since I know you won't tell me about it,” she said.

“It's probably better for both of us if you keep talking,” he said.

She chuckled and reached for his hand. “Just so you know I'm not completely callous to your suffering.”

His suffering, being partially tied up in her well being, was alleviated slightly when she touched him. And she held his hand during these talks more often, especially if she discerned he was unusually down (he was unhappy most of the time, if he was honest, but some days were worse than others).

“Thank you, Hange,” he said. She shook her head and smiled a bit.

“It's nothing at all,” she said.

She actually looked at him when she talked this time. He actually responded when she spoke. He actually walked away more relaxed by the time she bid him good night. Thankfully there was no crying to be heard in her room tonight. In fact, from what he could hear, she fell asleep almost as soon as she put out the light and her head hit the pillow.

Good food, good conversation. He resolved to have dinner with her more often to see if that helped her rest better and kept the tears at bay.

#

Erwin arrived at the dinner party early. A servant answered the door and another alerted Nile to his arrival. It was Marie and Hange who met him first. Erwin was floored when he saw Hange. He had assumed she'd just show up in her dress uniform. Instead, she was utterly miserable in a proper green silk gown, swept up hair do and rouged lips. It seemed she even left her glasses at home. She looked at him as though she didn't recognize him at all, maybe she didn't if she couldn't see him. Marie smiled and held out her hand.

“So good to see you again Erwin,” she said. He bowed and kissed her hand as politeness dictated. “Well, what do you think?”

She nodded toward Hange. Hange sighed and offered her gloved hand. He took her hand and kissed her knuckles. He'd always desperately wanted to kiss her hands and here was the perfect forum to do so under the veil of decorum, even if a glove separated them from direct contact.

“You look lovely,” he said. Hange looked to Marie who grimaced.

“I asked you to come early so that she could properly say all the things she hated about how she looked. I do the same with Nile before every event like this,” Marie said.

“Well, if she helps me fix my tie, she can complain all she wants,” he said. Marie laughed, but Hange didn't even crack a smile. She led them to the living room before a mirror and Hange helped him with his tie.

“Well, go ahead,” he said. “You look uncomfortable.”

“I can't breathe,” she said. “I'm used to wearing the binder Levi and I designed, but I'm not used to the corset.” He felt his heart break over that. She did look paler than usual. “I'm wearing a gown that Marie's niece couldn't fit. Marie's old gowns don't fit, she's always been curvier than me.”

“The color is nice,” he said.

She glared at him. He kept his mouth shut.

“I hate this hair, I hate this make up. I hate how I look,” she said. “But I asked Marie if I could do this so I wouldn't embarrass her and Nile at their dinner party. I look like a proper lady.”

“But you're not a lady,” he said. She froze as she started to put a pin in his tie. She looked up at him with so much pain in her features he almost wanted to take her home before the party had even started.

“True, but only you and I know that,” she said.

“You should tell Marie,” he said.

“She wouldn't understand,” she said and took out her fan.

“You haven't even tried.”

“I'm tired of trying.”

“Then I'll tell her.”

“It's my secret to tell!”

Erwin jumped a little when she snapped at him. He lowered his shoulders.

“You're right. I'm sorry,” he said.

She reached to a necklace that hung around her neck. A simple gold chain with a plain gold ring. She drew a shallow, ragged breath.

“You're just trying to help,” she said.

He wanted to hold her close, kiss her beautifully exposed neck and shoulders. He wanted to take her home, undo her corset, take off all the layers she despised, loose her hair and hold her until she fell asleep. To have the luxury of wiping away her tears if she cried. But she walked away fanning herself in frustration before he could even suggest the idea. He resolved just to keep an eye on her during the evening. Marie smiled warmly at Hange as she left the room and Erwin was relieved to see Hange return the expression with no clouds of pretense. She honestly liked Marie, he made the right call. But Marie approached him with her mouth pressed into a thin line.

“I'd like to thank you for insisting Hange and I reconnect. It's kind of nice to have someone not judge me over the fact that I was once a bar maid,” she said.

“I'm glad you two can talk,” he said.

She looked over her shoulder. “Hange talks a lot. She plays with the kids. We love her after just a few weeks. But she doesn't say anything Erwin. She doesn't... _talk_ you know?” He looked at the empty doorway. He knew. “You two are a little alike, you know.”

He looked down at her. “I beg your pardon?”

“You didn't really talk to me either. It's so sad because I can tell you both have so much going on in your heads and you won't let me in.”

Erwin's jaw tightened. “I'm sorry.” He was apologizing a lot tonight.

“Don't be. I found who I belong with. I think you have too.” Erwin couldn't look at her. “It's fine. She and I can make progress. She might actually start opening to you the more she and I talk.”

Together they joined Nile and Hange in the parlor. Erwin was a bit nervous seeing the two of them together, but she was seated by an open window and Nile had coaxed her into a smile. Erwin kept his distance, while Marie went over and knelt before her and held her hands. Nile poured himself a drink before joining Erwin.

“I'm worried about her,” Nile said.

“You never cared much for Hange before,” Erwin said.

“I know, I think she's a weird bitch, but she's grown on me. The kids love her. I've never seen her so subdued. My youngest cried when she wouldn't laugh with him. She's already gotten pretty thin, and that corset isn't helping her much.” Erwin's eyes all but burned into Hange. A blush was creeping across her cheeks. “That was my niece's dress. Do you know how old she is?” Erwin didn't answer. “Well, she's a bit tall for her age, but she's fourteen. Fourteen. Hange is the size of a fourteen year old girl.”

“Nile,” Erwin said as a warning.

“Sorry. I know you probably noticed all of this before,” Nile said and sipped at his drink. “She just looks like she's wearing the clothes she'll be buried in.”

Erwin closed his eyes. “Nile...”

“Sorry.”

The party was thankfully small. Marie didn't like large dinner parties to begin with. He was next to Hange as he'd hoped. She said very little, her cheeks were flushed and he kept his eyes on her plate. She didn't seem to eat much. Before he could comment on it, she put some things from her plate onto his.

“You can't cut it,” she said softly. “Marie put me next to you so I could cut food for you.”

He stared at her a moment. “Thank you.”

She simply took a few items from his plate and started to eat. They split up after dinner, the women on one side, the men on the other. Erwin strained to hear what Hange was talking about. She smiled faintly, fanning herself and said next to nothing. Toward the end of the evening, the group mixed again. They were playing cards, which Hange agreed to play. Erwin opted out, but stood behind her. She did not say if she objected or not. She held her deck in one hand and fiddled with the ring on her necklace with the other.

“That is a rather ordinary necklace to pair with an otherwise extraordinary dress,” a woman remarked.

“I suppose so,” Hange said and twirled the ring in her fingers.

Marie laid down a hastily thrown together hand.

“Well, let's see who can beat that!” she said.

“That's a horrible hand, Dear,” Nile said.

“Was your ring from a long, lost lover?” the woman continued.

“Janine, you can easily best Marie's hand. Show us what you've got,” Nile said.

Her eyes were focused on Hange who started breathing quicker.

“He...Levi...” she whispered. Her hand slid from her necklace and her head lolled to one side. Erwin caught her before she slid off her chair. Marie ordered one of the footmen to come and scoop her up.

“Women get so fragile over jilted lovers,” one of the men remarked. Erwin was about to say something but Nile intervened.

“You can't speak that way about Squad Leader Hange. Her 'jilted lover' died in her arms on the battlefield,” he said. Erwin left, certain Hange's honor was defended. Marie had her taken upstairs. The children poked their heads out of their rooms. The youngest started crying and ran over and grabbed Marie's skirts. She bent over and picked him up.

“Mom, what happened to Hange?” her daughter asked.

“She just isn't feeling well, that's all,” Marie said. “Now go to bed. Hange will have breakfast with us if she's feeling better. You'll see her in the morning before your tutors come. Now say good night to Uncle Erwin before you go to bed.”

They each half heartedly hugged him and said good night before they slinked away. Erwin followed Marie.

“I'm going to have my lady's maid dress her for bed. She's staying here tonight,” she said.

“May I see her when she's ready?” he asked.

“If she wakes up and asks for you, you may,” she said. “Let's return to the party before they get worried.

He agreed. He looked over his shoulder as they returned. His body may have returned to the party, but his heart was with Hange.

* * *

After everyone left, Erwin was called upstairs. Marie's youngest son came out of the room just as Erwin got to the top of the stairs. He froze.

“You're not going to tell my mama are you?” he asked. Erwin chuckled.

“No. I'm not. How is Hange?” Erwin asked.

“She's fine. She looks very sleepy. Mama brought her tea so she'll relax. Don't keep her up too late,” Marie's son said. Erwin knocked.

“I don't know why you bother,” Hange said. He opened the door. She was bringing a tea cup to her lips. He stood next to her bed, he wasn't sure if she wanted him to stay long.

“Pull up a chair. It seems like we can't escape talking before bed, huh?” she said.

He brought a chair over and sat down.

“I never told you that you looked nice tonight,” she said.

“Thank you,” he said. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. I'm just not used to wearing a corset. I couldn't breathe so...”

She was quiet. Erwin was certain that wasn't all that made her faint. He hated to do this to her, but he didn't want her to end up like him.

“Tell me about the ring,” he said.

She drew a deep breath. “No.”

“Was it Levi's?”

“Damn it, Erwin, I don't want to do this.”

“Just answer the question. Nothing else.”

She looked away from him.

“Fine. It was Levi's.”

“Why did he have a ring like that? Do you know?”

She glared at him. “Fine. If we're going to do this.” She took the necklace off her neck and slipped the ring off. She then slid it onto her left ring finger. It fit perfectly. “That's why he had it.”

She started shaking. She pressed her hands against her face. She curled up and rested her head on her knees as she started to sob. He didn't know what to say to her or what to do. He put his hand on her shoulder as he started to get up. She grabbed his jacket.

“Like hell you're leaving. You make me cry and then just leave? Hell no,” she said. She pulled him down so he'd sit on the bed. She put her head on his shoulder. He moved a little so he could hold her. He let her cry. She cried for a long time and rubbed her back as she sobbed. When she finally calmed down, she didn't look him in the eye. She wiped her eyes and nodded.

“So now you know,” she said. He hugged her closer. He wanted to tell her how much he cared, how much he wanted to hear about what was in her heart. He felt mute when it came to her. He only held her. She didn't let go or pull away. She sighed and her arms fell. Her breathing became even and he lowered her back onto the pillows. He took her hand, her left hand with Levi's ring and kissed it.

“Good night, Hange,” he said. He smoothed her hair. He was worried. She looked so pale and he was used to her skin looking warm and sun kissed. But he'd leave her for now.

* * *

He received a memo delivered by Moblit.

_Do not have dinner tonight. I'm making dinner for us, come to my room._

_-Hange_

He felt his heart skip a beat. He didn't know why. He was a touch excited. The whole day seemed a bit brighter with the hope of seeing Hange later. He went to her room around dinner time and found her waiting for him. There was chicken of some sort, he didn't really notice. His food was cut up into bite sized pieces. She grinned when he entered.

“Hey, how was your day?” she asked.

“It was fine,” he said. He took his plate and started to eat at her desk. She talked about her research and such. He was glad to hear her talk. He'd let her talk for hours if she wanted. They finished dinner and he took their plates while she changed. He came back with a cup of tea for her. She smiled.

“If you wait for me, I can come with you so we can get tea together,” she said.

“I didn't want to stay while you changed,” he said.

“Well, next time you can stay if you don't peek,” she said.

Erwin smirked and raised his eyebrows and Hange laughed. She sat on her bed and he sat on his chair. She didn't get under her covers right away. Their legs rubbed together and she smiled at him. She wore Levi's ring openly on her necklace. It both made him happy and made him feel distant from her. But her fingers threaded with his while they talked. It was a relief, the casual touch. He wanted more, but he was fine with this, since it was all she could give at the moment. He wanted her to take all the time she needed until she was comfortable with moving on. He didn't want her to forget Levi, not at all. But he wanted her to know that he was there for her.

He could see her eyes getting hazy.

“I'm sleepy, sorry,” she said. He released her hand and lifted up her blankets. She crawled underneath and he tucked her in. He dared to brush the hair away from her face. She took off her glasses. He moved to go, but she grabbed his sleeve.

“Stay until I fall asleep,” she said. “You always do.” He snorted and held her hand again. She talked less now. She fell asleep and he dared to kiss her hand. She sighed in her sleep. He doused her light and left her to sleep in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the little things.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wanted nothing more than to nuzzle against her neck and shoulders. His eyes rested on her lips more than was proper, he was certain.

Hange did not have to worry about Erwin peeking at her while she changed. He was doubled over with a bad cough. The feel of her hands on his shoulders sent shivers down his spine. He loved her soft gentle touches. He looked up at her. She had a small frown.

“You don't sound so good,” she said.

“I might be coming down with something,” he said.

She patted his shoulder. “Well, let's go down to the mess hall and make you some tea.”

Hange grabbed the tray and they walked down the halls together.

“Do yourself a favor and stay home tomorrow,” she said.

“I sound that bad?” he said.

She glanced over at him. “I can hear you wheezing as we walk.”

He sighed. He hated that his body was betraying him. Hange put the dishes in the sink, Erwin put the pot on to boil. When he turned around he found Hange measuring out the tea leaves into a teapot.

“Levi's teapot is still here. He taught me the proper way to make tea,” she said. “This kind of tea is good for chest congestion.”

“I'm the only one with a cold, why are you drinking tea?” he said.

“I”m drinking for prevention,” she said.

When the water was boiling, she artfully poured it over the tea leaves. She placed the teapot and two teacups on a tray.

“We're having the whole pot,” she said. He followed her back to her room. She set the tea set on her desk and he moved to sit in the chair. She grabbed his arm. “Oh, no. Take off your boots and get comfortable, you're resting in my bed.”

“I'll get my germs all over your sheets,” he said.

“I don't really care,” she said. He could have resisted, but he didn't want to. Not when she was helping him out of his jacket. Not as she helped him unbuckle his harness. He was so lost to those brief touches he hadn't the will to stop her from taking off his boots. She fluffed her pillows so he could lean on them and pulled her covers over his legs. She sat on her chair and poured him a cup of tea. He took it and set the cup and saucer on his lap. She poured herself a cup and leaned back on her chair.

“So I heard Nile showed you his personal wine cellar,” Hange said. “He's pretty talented at making wine.”

“He has been since we were trainees. I remember his first brew. Mike, Nile and I all drank it the night after a tough training session. We had the worst hangover the next morning. But it was so good while it was going down.”

He sipped his tea, but he couldn't ignore the way his stomach turned. He often got headaches and nausea when he thought about Mike. The tea settled his stomach at least.

“It was the three of you together for a while,” she said.

Erwin sighed. “Nile saw the short term: his life with Marie right now. Mike and I saw long term: everyone's life after we got rid of the titans. I thought Marie understood my vision...”

“I know she did,” Hange interjected. He let out a small cough. The knowledge that Marie was aware of the bigger picture hurt him. “It's different for women, Erwin. If you're not a soldier you can't wait around and become and old maid while the man you love fights for humanity.”

“I know. Mike said the same thing. And I know Nile wants her to be happy. I do too,” Erwin said.

Hange twirled her teacup. “I miss Mike.”

Erwin certainly shared the sentiment, but he couldn't say it.

“How long did you know him?” Hange asked.

“First day of training. We were the tallest recruits, so we both stood out,” he said.

“So how old were you?”

“About fourteen.”

He couldn't speak anymore. He drank his tea and Hange kept quiet.

“You're battling demons again,” she said.

He snorted and she rested her hand on his wrist. He took her hand and gently kissed her fingers. She squeezed tighter. They resumed their conversation. He allowed Hange to dominate, to talk about her research.

When he to ready to leave, she helped him into his boots and carried his jacket and harness. She hailed a carriage for him. Before he left she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest.

“Good night, Erwin,” she said.

He closed his arm around her and held her tightly.

“Good night, Hange,” he said.

“Stay home and rest tomorrow,” she said.

“Okay,” he whispered. He pressed his cheek against her hair.

“I'll come see you,” she said. That gave him the will to let her go. She waved to him from the doors of the barracks before she went back inside. He hoped she'd make good on her promise.

* * *

He woke up much more feverish than the day before. Erwin only had one maid and one butler, but his accommodations were small. He sent his butler out for medicine and spent most of the day in bed doing paperwork. He found himself anxious for the evening and for once, work didn't pass the time quickly enough. He heard the bell chime and he wanted to get up and answer, but he remained in bed. He couldn't stop his heart from beating. His butler knocked.

“Come in, Lucas,” Erwin said.

“Squad Leader Hange has arrived,” he said.

“Show her up.”

“To your room?”

“Yes.”

Lucas shrugged and went to get her. Hange grinned as she entered. She stood next to his bed and wrung her hands, though she smiled brightly.

“How are you feeling?” she asked. He broke out in a fit of coughing before he could respond. She rubbed his back and pulled up a chair.

“I brought soup, your maid is warming it up. And she's making tea for us,” she said.

“May will be grateful for not having to make something from scratch,” Erwin said. She put a hand on his and brushed the back of her free hand against his cheek.

“You're burning up,” she said.

“I know.”

He had another coughing fit.

“You really sound bad,” she said. He grimaced, but his sour expression was short lived as she pressed her ear against his chest. “Breathe deep.”

He obeyed and she clucked her tongue.

“Can you actually hear anything?” he asked.

“No, it was totally an excuse to be close to you,” she said.

Erwin was not one to blush. Ever. But his face was flushed from more than just a fever. She looked up at him with a mischievous grin. There was a knock on the door and she pulled away quickly.

“Come in,” Erwin said. May entered with soup and two cups of tea. They both thanked her as she left. He chuckled as he stirred his soup. “You were almost caught.”

Hange smirked. “I would have lived. Oh, before I forget and drink it all myself, Nile sent this for you.”

She took out a flask and poured some of the clear alcohol into his cup of tea.

“It's his own brew, much stronger than some of his other stuff. It's guaranteed to numb your throat and help you sleep,” she said.

“I'm sold. Let me at least finish dinner before I drink my problems away,” he said. She laughed.

“Fair enough,” she said. He let her talk again, just happy to hear her voice. She seemed at ease, legs wide, leaning forward, resting her elbows on her knees as she sipped her own cup of tea. He liked this air of comfort between them. He wanted nothing more than to nuzzle against her neck and shoulders. His eyes rested on her lips more than was proper, he was certain. But still, that little glint of gold around her neck caught his eye. He had to do something to distract himself from these thoughts. He sipped his tea. Whatever Nile made was quite strong, his throat was so numb he wasn't sure he could even talk.

“How is it?” she asked.

“Works,” he whispered.

She reached over and put her hand on his forehead. “You're still burning up. I'll get a washcloth.”

She left him with the spiked tea and Nile's flask. He knew his thoughts were already swimming, but if she was going to be touching him, he needed more to drink. He had to forget. By the time she returned, he had gotten through a quarter of the flask. She had a basin and cloth, but she frowned as she sat on his bed.

“You're drunk,” she said.

“A bit,” he said. She rolled her eyes an dipped the cloth in water and wrung it out. When she pressed ht damp cloth against his skin, he hummed in contentment.

“Better?” she asked. He nodded. She wiped his face, but he all but whimpered when she wiped his neck. Achy chills radiated across his skin, but the cool cloth felt good. She wiped all along his shoulders and across his chest. He held her cheek and she stared at him with worried yes, her brows furrowing slightly.

“You're so beautiful,” he whispered.

“Everyone's beautiful when you're drunk,” she said. He pulled her so her torso was flush against his.

“Stay with me. At least until I fall asleep,” he begged. She pulled his arm away and took off her boots and jacket.

She rested her head on his chest. He sighed, he never knew the weight of her body would give him so much comfort. He rested his hand at the small of her back. He wanted to enjoy that moment, but he knew he really couldn't. He was grateful when he blacked out. She was so close to him, so close, but there was still something keeping them apart and it was hard for him to live with.

* * *

She came to see him every evening. By some natural fortitude, she did not catch his flu. When he returned to work, he sent word they'd eat together. He couldn't do enough work, the hours seemed to drag forever until he heard her voice. Just the sight of her waiting at his doorway made him forget that he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“You're looking better,” she said. He only smiled and reached for her hand. She didn't hesitate and entwined her fingers with his.

“And what did your research yield today?” he asked. She tilted her head and tapped her chin.

“Well, there's not much, believe it or not. Eren was pretty tired so I didn't want to push him too hard,” she said. He tried to pay attention to what she said, but she was honestly glowing with excitement over her day, he couldn't help but be mesmerized by her presence. He wished he had his arm back, just so he could continue to hold her hand and gently tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. Moblit's stunned expression as they passed was enough. Together they raided the mess hall and headed up to her room to eat. He loved the way they barely skipped a beat as they started eating. He had to be honest, he was nervous. She'd never mentioned how vulnerable he acted when he was drunk a week ago. His moments were rare and he didn't want it to negatively affect their relationship. But so far, so good, she said nothing about it.

“It's getting a bit late,” she said. The sun had long since gone down, the days were getting shorter. “I'm going to change.”

Her hand lingered on his shoulder as she passed. He was almost in awe over how much she trusted him. But he heard her remove the uncomfortable layers and slip on her night shirt and robe. When she was finished she put her hands on his shoulders and he leaned his head against her arm.

“Let's go make some tea,” she whispered against the shell of his ear. Erwin was not used to a person making his heart race and his face flush. He joined her on the walk back to the mess hall as she carried the tray of used dishes, his hand at the small of her back. She grinned and glanced up at him almost shyly.

“I told Marie about me,” she said.

“Really? What did she say?” he asked.

“She said she had an idea that I was different. I told her I actually don't mind being called 'she.'”

“Oh? I didn't know that.”

“Well, 'they' would be ideal, but I don't want to fuss over it. We still have a war to fight, and I think my energy is much better spent fighting titans than trying to get a label that people will rarely use around me correctly. Besides, it's just a label, it doesn't change who I am.”

“In a better world, we would have time to fight for you,” he said.

“We?”

“Yes, 'we.'”

She smiled faintly. When they got to the kitchen, she made tea while he put the teacups on the tray. But once he was done, he couldn't keep himself from standing right behind her and putting his arm around her waist. She leaned against him and he rested his chin on her shoulder.

“You're not upset that I'm holding you like this?” he asked.

“I would have stopped you,” she said. “I...I kind of like it.”

He pressed his forehead against her shoulder. He wanted to hold her without guilt, without stomping on the memory of Levi. He released her so they could go back upstairs. They sat down and she poured the tea and she rested her hand on his leg as they drank, since his his only hand was holding his teacup. He couldn't really focus, he put his cup down.

“I'm sorry if I acted badly toward you when I was drunk a week ago,” he said.

She snorted. “You were relatively tame. You didn't say anything bad and you didn't grope me. Nothing to apologize for.”

“I did mean it, you know,” he said.

“What?”

“You are beautiful,” he said. He held her face as a tear escaped from her eye. He kissed her eyelids when they fluttered closed. He'd started now he couldn't stop. He gently kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her nose. He pulled away so he could see her face. She was biting her lip, her hand had balled into a fist in her lap.

“I have to say this, Zoë,” he said softly. She nodded. “I love you.”

Her eyes filled with tears as she gave him a lopsided grin.

“I know,” she said. And he laughed. She laughed too, though it was interspersed with sobs and she wiped at her eyes. Before he could say anything else, Hange was straddling his waist with her hands in his hair.

“Erwin, I...” she pressed her lips against his. “Sorry...Erwin...ugh, just forget it.”

She let her hands roam as she kissed him deeply, savoring his taste in slow, sweeping strokes of her tongue. He welcomed her and pressed her body against his. She arched against him and he let his hand travel from the small of her back to her thigh. He squeezed gently and she moaned into his mouth. When she'd had enough of the taste of his mouth, she raked her teeth against his bottom lip. She swallowed and grinned as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Sorry. Levi always said I need to just do things instead of thinking about it forever,” she said.

“It's good advice,” Erwin said. She kissed him, much more gently this time.

“I love you too, Erwin,” she said. “I still love Levi, but...I can't deny how much you care about me. And I can't deny that I've always cared about you too. Things are different now...”

He kissed her neck and she moaned softly.

“Stay the night,” she said. He didn't need to be asked twice. She helped him out of his boots, harness, and jacket and they were curled together under her blankets in a matter of minutes. He doused her light and cradled her against his chest. She cried again that night, but she snuggled against him as the tears came. He could not erase her pain. He could not be Levi. But he was glad she turned to him, it was all he wanted.


	5. An Epilouge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We all know who wears the bolo tie in this house,” he said.

The procession home was grim and quiet as usual. There had been quite a few losses, and it felt like no one could find it in themselves to talk until they were safely inside the walls. In fact, Erwin was rather quiet, but Hange stayed faithfully at his side until they made it to the barracks. Everyone began to scramble and start the process of packing everything back up. Hange lingered near him, looking over some of their paperwork when Moblit approached them as he anxiously rubbed his hands together. His expression was so comical Erwin might have laughed had Moblit not been so earnest and had he not been so worn out.

“Commander, I'm sorry for not protecting Squad Leader Hange,” he said. “I-I mean, Squad Leader Smith! I'm sorry!”

Hange groaned. “You've been apologizing for weeks. It's just a scratch, Moblit. It's healed over by now. And if you don't call me Hange, _I'm_ going to kill you.”

Moblit groaned and lowered his head.

“You're forgiven. There is no need to keep apologizing for something I know Zoë got herself into. And tell everyone else on your team the same thing,” Erwin said.

“Yes, Sir!” Moblit said.

Hange laughed as he walked away.

“Hey, you're not mad at me are you?” she asked.

Erwin sighed. “Not you too.”

“I mean, spending our first two months of marriage on an expedition isn't ideal.”

“I'm the one who insisted we get one more before winter set in,” he said.

“It doesn't bother you that I think it's weird to be called Squad Leader Smith?” she said.

“It kind of sounds weird to me as well. I don't see why the others can't call you Squad Leader Hange. I still call you Hange,” he said.

“And it doesn't matter that I got a fresh new scar just in time for our not-exactly honeymoon?”

“I'm missing an arm. If you can accept that, I can accept a few scars,” he said. He leaned in so he could whisper in her ear. “I guess I'll just have to kiss it better.”

Her face turned red.

“I thought we said no public displays in front of subordinates,” she said.

“This hardly qualifies as a 'display,'” he said. She shivered, probably because of the sleet that was falling, but he hoped she was left a little wanting from their close proximity. They shared a tent, but either Hange was working all night, or they'd both just curl up and fall asleep. He liked the hand holding and stolen kisses, but he was more than ready for a little alone time. Once things were mostly handled, they started back to their house. He kept stealing glances at Hange as they rode through the rain. He just wanted to get her home. They arrived in good time and as they walked the stables, Hange lifted her goggles.

“Someone's already here,” she said.

“I sent ahead to let Lucas and May know we were staying here for a few nights,” he said.

She groaned. “I wanted us to be alone. And I'm still not used to the idea of having servants. I'm not sure I like it.”

He held her close. “Well, for tonight at least, consider this: the house is clean, a warm bath has been drawn for us, there will be a hot meal waiting when we're ready, there will be a roaring fire in the bedroom—”

“Okay, okay. And I do suppose we could use the help since you are handicapped. I still don't really like it.”

They went inside, hand in hand and started taking off their boots and wet cloaks by the door.

“I thought you said Lucas and May would be here? I don't see them anywhere,” she said.

“They're probably making dinner. I told them we wanted to be alone,” he said.

“Oh...” was all she said before she started to help him unbuckle his harness. She pressed soft kisses against his jaw. He moved to kiss her nose but she moved away and rubbed her cheek against his. He chuckled.

“We all know who wears the bolo tie in this house,” he said.

“Damn right,” she whispered against his neck. “Let's go upstairs and get out of these wet things.”

He kept his hand at the small of her back as they went upstairs. The room that held the tub was steamy and fairly hot. Hange began removing her clothes and throwing them on the floor. Erwin slowed her down by kissing the exposed skin, the hollow of her neck, her shoulders, her fingers, the jagged scar that ran from her rib cage down to her hip bone. He rested his cheek against her stomach and sighed. She ran her fingers through his hair as he hugged her waist.

“I just want to be on my knees worshiping you,” he mumbled against her skin. She shivered and he helped her out of her pants. He kissed just below her belly button.

“Erwin...” she said softly. She ran a shaky hand down his neck. “I'm really cold and very dirty.”

He stood up and she wrapped her arms around his neck. He scooped up her legs with his arm and lowered her into the water. She sighed in relief and rested her cheek on the lip of the tub. He finished removing his pants and and joined her. She rubbed her nose against his chest and leaned against him. He cupped some water in his hand and dumped it on her head.

“You're still freezing,” he said. She hummed and softly and kissed across his broad chest to what remained of his his right arm.

“You know, you weren't the only one lingering outside of people's rooms while they were in pain,” she said. “I stood outside the operating room when they properly amputated your arm.

This was news to him. “So...that means you heard.”

“When you screamed my name? Yeah. I thought it was because I was next in command,” she said.

He laughed, honestly threw his head back and laughed at that. He kissed the top of her head.

“Someday, we won't have expeditions,” he said.

“Yes we will,” she said.

He smiled. “All right, some day we won't have _life threatening_ expeditions,” he said. “You'd die if there was nothing to learn and explore.”

She hummed softly. Her eyes were closed. He couldn't bear to wake her, so they stayed in the tub until the water was cold. They stumbled out, put on their pajamas and ate dinner in companionable silence. Nile sent them a bottle of red wine from his cellar and they drank a glass or two. Erwin was more than happy when they were in their room and warm in bed. Hange curled around him with her face buried in his neck and her leg draped across his waist. For the first time since they'd been married, reality hit him. Hange was actually _his_. The person he'd resigned to believe was lost to him was wearing his ring, sharing his bed, and sharing his life.

He closed his eyes quickly before any tears dared to form and held her close. Joy could be ephemeral in this cruel world. He felt her hold him tighter. She knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was Hange and Erwin's wedding like?
> 
> Very small. Nile, Marie and their kids attended, Hange's parents, Moblit, and the 104th kids. Both of them wore their dress uniforms to the ceremony. They had cake and tea at Nile's house.
> 
> Yes, Hange still wears Levi's ring around her neck. Erwin doesn't mind and thinks it's part of her mourning process.
> 
> Thank you for reading my tiny EruHan fic. I hope you enjoyed it!


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